I’m here writing this on a Wednesday morning. Alone in my apartment.
So here’s the thing.
I work at Def Jam and I’m going to school in London. I’m also going to Spain this Friday and Paris next Friday, and Amsterdam the following Friday.
How I got here? I don’t know.
I’ve wanted to work at Def Jam ever since I was a kid. Now it’s my job to promote the shit I love. When people used to ask what I wanted to do after college, I used to say I didn’t know. But I did know. I just didn’t want to share it. I didn’t care for their side-eye or their lack of belief. I used to think to myself, when I was around 13 years old, that if I can work at Def Jam by the time I’m 30, and do some traveling before or during that, I’ll be satisfied.
I’ve done these things, and I’m just 22.
I have so much time ahead of me (well maybe not because technically speaking I could die tomorrow but you know what I mean).
Once I come back to the states, the real work starts. I try to not think about that too much because I like to live in the moment and appreciate it for what it is but it gets hard at times.
I have new goals.
I can’t help but think about new goals and how I can do more and do better. It’s just how my mind works. Sometimes I wish I could completely live in the present and shut off that part of my mind. Meditation helps me a lot with that but I don’t know if I ever won’t be this way.
Back to where I am.
I still don’t really know how I got here but I do know that I love everybody that has ever, in any capacity, helped me along the way. London has become another home to me and it is the place I think back to when I travel all around Europe. Like I’m really traveling all around Europe.
I’m only 22.
In high school my advisor told me UMass Amherst was a pipe dream. I accomplished that dream, left Amherst and made new goals.
Five months ago my financial aid advisor told me there is no way I’ll be able to get the money to be able to study abroad. I got the money in a couple weeks and now I’m here.
Not to say that either of those things motivated me, because they didn’t. Not at all. Hate shouldn’t motivate you. That’s stupid. Why would some wrong advisors or some old girls or some negative dudes motivate me? I notice a lot of people post motivational stuff on Instagram and twitter and hate is usually the root of the motivation. That’s wrong. Those things are more annoying and a waste of energy than anything. I don’t care for any of that.
Love should motivate. I'm motivated by the people back home that I love that are happy for me and always want to see me win.
Just think about it, hate is too common the fuel for motivation. It really isn’t healthy. It’s like cars. Cars can run on oil and gas and work fine but at the end of the day that’s not good for the world we live in. There are better and healthier alternatives. That’s how I feel about hate as motivation. I hope that made sense.
Before I go, let me say this.
I can do anything. I really feel that way. If you don't believe in me I don't need you. If you believe in or love me than I love you too and know that that love is what is on my mind more than anything.
Peace & Love
Baudelaire
P.S
This meant to be written in a very all over the place kind of way. This is how I thought of it and I wrote it exactly how it came out in my mind. With no edits.
Thank you for reading my random thought.
